Happy 1st birthday!

I just realised that I missed my blog’s birthday! Bad blogger I am. But none the less, Sunday was my 1^st birthday. Who could have ever predicted the past 12 months would take me on such a journey.

This means war!

I have officially drawn a line in the sand. I no longer accept my state of non-pregnancy and it ends here. Changes need to be made. A plan of attack needs to be devised. War has been declared.

Ode to the Super Mums

This week has been a harsh reminder in pity and priorities. Sometimes, things just happen to make you wake up to yourself. You hear a story or two that touch you so deeply you can suddenly end your self-pity party and realise how bloody lucky you are.

Fabulous Friday

Happy Fabulous Friday everyone. I hope you’ve all had a great week. So what makes today fabulous – messages out of the blue, achieving your dreams and conquering mountains.

Celebrating the miracle of IVF

Two weeks ago, an 87 year old bloke in England died. What’s the big deal you ask? Well, his name was Sir Robert Edwards and he was the co-founder of IVF technology. He is responsible for the conception of an estimated 5 million people world wide.

It only takes a spark

For the last few days, I’ve been seeing Sally Obermeder, a television reporter, doing the circuit promoting her book. I thought it was just another entertainment reporter plugging a tell all book. I was wrong. Sally was diagnosed with breast cancer at 38 years old, the day before she gave birth to her daughter. In the interview I saw with her this morning, she mentioned her battle with infertility and how she regretted not seeking help earlier. It really struck a chord with me because not only am I struggling with infertility, but I’ll be 38 in 9 weeks.

Rising from the ashes

When your life shatters, you can choose how to rebuild it. It’s a pretty powerful choice, and sometimes, unconsciously, you will make decisions that will change the course of your life.  A bit like the Phoenix, you can attain new life by arising from the ashes of your former self.  

Fabulous Friday

Happy Fabulous Friday everyone. What's fabulous about today is smiles, gratitude and hope.

Choosing my super hero powers

I’m currently considering one of the great quandaries of life – if I was a super hero, what would I want my power to be? There are so many great super hero powers it’s hard to choose. But I think I’ve narrowed it down to a few choices.

Surviving the storm

When you’re going through difficult times, one of the analogies you often hear is the sun always comes out after the rain – or something similar. People will describe it in different ways, but the sentiment is the difficult times will pass and life will be good again. I took this photo from the roof of my office building yesterday. I suddenly realised this was the perfect pictorial representation of that thought.

Too many doctors spoil the baby making

The medical profession is wonderful. Some of us wouldn't have babies without them. But when you have so many medical people in your life, who  all play a part in your everyday living, what do you do when they have different opinions about things? Who do you put your trust in?

Searching for a second chance

Over the weekend, my Mother told me that while I experienced my grief, it was important to remember I had a second chance. She was comparing my grieving with her own when her father died. She didn’t get a second chance when he passed away and I’m sure she would kill to spend just one more day with him. I’ve been mulling the concept of a second chance over in my head for the last few days.

Moments that break your heart

At work yesterday, I answered my colleague’s phone. There was this tiny little voice on the other end – his 5 year old daughter. Who would have guessed a 5 year old had the power to totally break my heart.

Fabulous Friday

It’s been the end of a tough week so all I can say is thank God it’s Friday! Give me a woot woot! I realise my posts of late have been a bit melancholy and self indulgent. I’m ok with that but it’s not a frame of mind I want to spend too long in. So, new direction – from now on, every Friday is going to be Fabulous Friday. For at least one day a week I will focus on something positive. I figure it’s a good way to end the week!

The struggle for perfection

On my home from work yesterday, I had a great epiphany - I am not perfect. My body isn't perfect. My soul isn't perfect. My looks aren't perfect. My house isn't perfect. My husband isn't perfect. My friends aren't perfect. My job isn't perfect. My cat isn't perfect. How has it taken me nearly 38 years to suddenly get this?

10 words to sum up miscarriage and infertility

I had my check up with the homeopath yesterday and told her of my new found bacteria levels. She’s put me on some homeopathic remedies to try to rectify it naturally but gave me the happy news that it’s highly likely this bacteria has been preventing me from falling pregnant. And when I say happy, I could not be more sarcastic if I tried. Basically, what that means is the last 3 months of clomid, remedies and blood tests have all been for nothing. A total waste of time and money all because my body is once again failing me in reaching my dream.

Finding a purpose 6 months post miscarriage

There is so much emotional pain in my the world right now. Some is my own but sadly some friends are experiencing it too. One friend sadly lost her baby through an early miscarriage which was heartbreaking. My other friend lost her father-in-law 6 weeks ago and has only just spoken about it today. Suddenly, in the space of 3 days, I’m finding all of my experience over the past 6 months is now being called on to support my friends. Given today is 6 months since the miscarriage, I’m calling on it to support me too.

Facing a predicament

I got the results of my swab test today and apparently I’m a walking, talking bacteria incubator. Put simply, my cultures grew bacteria, and a lot of it. Not enough that I have a staff infection or something as equally pleasurable, but enough that it has the potential to be causing my discharge and cramps. Answer – take antibiotic cream to kill the bacteria. Problem – you can’t take it when you’re pregnant. Bigger problem – I ovulate tomorrow.

Accepting acceptance

I'm at the beach this weekend for my Grandmother's 90th birthday. I went for a walk yesterday and as I neared the end of it, I suddenly felt Peanut was with me, and he was a boy. I've never felt that before but I had an overwhelming sense he was with me. I then heard a little voice say to me "Don't worry Mum. Everything's going to be ok." This was the sunset in that moment and there was something quite heavenly about it.

Ongoing cramps after miscarriage - enough is enough!

After 6 months of ongoing cramps, finally enough is enough. I'm so frustrated and starting to feel beaten down by the relentlessness of them. They come and go with no pattern and no real reason but significantly impact my life. Finally, I went back to the doctors demanding something be done.

My new baggage

Three months ago I decided I needed something else to put my mind to – other than being totally consumed by the miscarriage. I took up sewing. This was a challenge for me as I had never sewn before and I can’t draw a straight line with a ruler, let alone sew one. I had no idea what I would like to make but suddenly bags popped into my head. Maybe it was my way of creating that new baggage I was after!

Looking for a new bag

So that time has been thrust upon me when my friends are now falling pregnant. Up until now, new pregnancies were only in my peripheral circle of acquaintances – not in my immediate circle. I know this is always hard for women who have lost their babies and to be honest, I feel a mix of emotions about it. But overall, what it reveals to me most is I just want to be over the “miscarriage mindset” already!

Miscarriage doesn't discriminate

In my early days post-miscarriage, I spent a lot of time feeling angry – why me and not “them”? “Them” really referred to anyone who happened to cross my path who had given birth to a healthy baby and who had not experienced loss. While I tried hard not to spend too much time in that head space, sometimes, you just can’t help it. Afterall, anger is one of the first stages of grief and probably the one you spend most time in.