Deciphering depression

One of the most frustrating things about battling depression is how it turns your brain into total a mess. I liken it to the moment you pull out the Xmas tree lights, ready to decorate the tree, only to find they are a jumbled mess that you have to painstakingly untangle.

Yep, that pretty much sums it up. Your thoughts are such a jumbled mess you can’t even identify what they are. One runs into another, into another, until they get to a point where it’s just a scattered mess with no sense of order to it at all. It makes identifying what the issue/s are very difficult. And you need to be able to identify the issues to deal with the problem.

So, with a little help from my counsellor, I was able to start the process. As it turns out, I am carrying an enormous amount of trauma around with me in regards to the effects being pregnant has had on my body. While morning sickness passed me by, the more significant impacts have left an indelible mark. As a result, I have lost confidence and trust in my body and its functions, which leaves me feeling vulnerable.

As annoying as morning sickness would be, I would take it over any of the problems I’ve experienced. The stabbing pains caused my round ligament means I can’t trust I’ll sleep through the night or I won’t fall to the ground every time I stand up. My leg cramps mean I can’t trust that my feet and legs are holding me up when I try to stand. My bleeding means I am constantly scared everytime I go to the toilet. Let me tell you, this is a pretty tortuous way to live 9 months of your life.

As I said, I feel enormously vulnerable now. I’m used to walking down the street feeling confident and knowing my body will do and take me where I want it to. Now, I’m paranoid of people stepping on me or bumping into me. I’m becoming more afraid of the crowded streets and have stopped going out at lunch time to avoid them. I’ve reached the stage where the end can’t come fast enough.

Of, course, on top of all of that, is my body let me down again by loosing Babs. Again, another traumatic event that I realise I have not properly processed. I realise that nobody, myself included, gave me permission to grieve about her loss. Everyone said, “Oh well, don’t worry, you still have one baby.” No one said “Wow,  that must be really devastating for you.” I guess our immediate reaction is to focus on the positive, not to dwell on the negative. The problem is, if you don’t dwell on the negative, and let yourself feel the grief you have, it ends up consuming you. And I realise I am consumed.  I guess that’s the next step – learning how to de-consume myself.