Sometimes it's just crap

There’s no point trying to sugar coat it – today is crap. I feel crap. My coffee was crap. Work is crap. Even the weather is crap.  I don’t like feeling crap but sometimes, you just have to let crap be.

I wasn’t looking forward to this week. It’s going to be tough but the light at the end of the tunnel is I get on a plane at the end of it and bugger off somewhere else. Right now, I just don’t want to be here. And when I say here, I mean the entire here.

I don’t want to get on the train every morning. I don’t want to sit at my desk. I don’t want to have to answer media enquiries. I don’t want to talk to people. I don’t want to hear about Mother’s  Days. I don’t want to hear crying babies. I don’t want to battle through the crowds on the streets. I don’t want to look down at my clothes and see a flat belly. I don’t want to be in this body.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand my lack of desire for these things. The fact of the matter is I don’t want any of these things because I was meant to spend this week getting ready to meet Peanut. 

I was meant to be waddling around the house in the morning, not walking to the train. I was meant to be sitting in my feeding chair, not my desk chair. I was meant to be taking calls from well wishers, not random people. I was meant to be on the post Mother Day high not trying to ignore it. I was meant to be getting ready to hear my own baby crying not others in the office. I was meant to be talking to other  Mother’s in the maternity ward not avoiding people. I was meant to have clothes that barely fit, not a dress that fit perfectly. I was meant to have a body that ached from 9 months of carrying a baby around. Not this one that aches from stress, tension and anger.

Don’t worry,  I hear you asking what happened to the Fiona of last week who finally got she is where she’s meant to be? For now, she’s no where to be seen. I’m sure she will come back but it’s not today. Today, it’s all about sitting with where I am and how I feel. And, well, clearly, that’s crap.

As a communications professional, I’d like to think I have the vocabulary to define crap a bit more clearly. There are so many words that I could use to express my emotions but none seem to sum it all up, other than “crap”. So, I’m just accepting that today is a bad day. I hope tomorrow will be better, and if it’s not, I’ll hope the day after that is better. And I’ll keep on hoping until a better day comes. On the bright side, I’ve traveled this path long enough to know that the good days are only just around the corner. I just have to make it to the corner.