Nearing the end of the two week wait!

I started trying to have a baby in May 2012. I’m now nearing the end of my 7^th 2 week wait.  Overall, it’s gone by quickly and without incident. To be honest, I haven’t really thought it about too much at all. Maybe that’s because I no longer have any expectations that I’ll actually end up pregnant!

I know that sounds bad. It’s not like I don’t think I’ll eventually end up pregnant – I believe I will. But when I get the cramps and pains I’d normally get with my period, I figure there’s no point hoping it’s anything else. I’ve read enough to know the early signs of pregnancy can mirror period pains which is why a lot of women don’t know they’re pregnant. But, I’ve realised that only gets my hopes up. I think  I’d rather accept the likelihood it’s just another month and be pleasantly surprised if I’m wrong. It beats thinking you’re pregnant to find out you’re not – there’s nothing pleasant about being wrong in that scenario!

The false positive of last month has scarred me. The cruelness of it continues to play on my mind. Afterall, if you can’t trust a pregnancy test that’s meant to be 99% accurate, what can you trust? Maybe I’m just exhausted by the constantly fluctuating emotions – between the highs of hopes, to the lows of reality, it’s a see-saw I’m over riding.

Actually, I think the most annoying part of the 2 week wait is not knowing when it’s meant to be up! Since my periods came back, my cycles have been 29 and 32 days so there’s nothing consistent there – despite all the specialists telling me that’s a regular cycle. I can tell you when you’re trying to find out if you’re pregnant or not, those 3 days can make all the difference! Today is 29 days and Thursday will be 32. Basically, this wait will be over any day but what if it’s not? Friday will be 33 days – the longest it’s ever been. Do I even bother to test then? I don’t know.

The other thing that frustrates me is because I’ve resigned myself to the fact I’m not pregnant, I’ve already moved onto thinking about my next cycle. My husband and I have been discussing whether I start clomid next month or not and I want a decision now so I can mentally prepare. He wants to wait to see what happens this cycle before making a decision. Of course, he could be right and maybe I’m pregnant. But it just seems the odds of that happening are so low that it’s not worth thinking about.

I have my first check up with the homeopath tomorrow so I think I’ll make the decision then. I do have a great deal of faith in this program as it’s the first thing I’ve tried that has delivered real results. I had always promised myself I would give that 2 cycles before trying something else so now I’m torn. Do I give it another month or do I just cover all bases? I’m finding it hard to be comfortable with a decision so I guess the right answer will come to me when I’m ready.

Mind you, through all of this, is a tiny little voice in the back of my head whispering, “You might just be pregnant you know.” I turn around to that voice and say “Shut up. You’re making me hope.” I don’t want to hope. Hope hurts. I’d rather just sit here, in my “I’m getting my periods and I don’t like it” funk, feeling sad and sorry for myself. I’m more comfortable there.  Mind you, if I have a few more 2 week waits ahead of me, it’s going to make for a fairly depressing time. Mental note to talk to the counsellor about that! 

Image by Stuart Miles

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