Facing the inevitable

2013 is a year of possibilities – none of us know what will happen! There will no doubt be good and bad times, laughs and tears, joy and pain. I have no idea what will create those moments, but the one thing I do know is I will have to survive May 23 2013 – the day my baby was due.

Having the miscarriage in October last year gave me a buffer – May seemed like such a long way away. But, here we are already, closing in on the end of January. With each passing day, May 23 gets closer. I’m under no illusion it’s going to be a tough day but I know it will only be as tough as what I make it. Despite that, I have no intentions of being home for it.

I told my husband that I want to go away somewhere for that week. I’d like us to take a bit of a fancy holiday and treat ourselves to something nice. I think after the year we’ve had we deserve it. We had a very simple honeymoon and haven’t splashed out on too many things so I figure if there is a reason to splash out, this would be it. My husband, being the practical man that he is, needs to “mull” on it. But whatever happens, we’ll be somewhere else other than home.

I know this is running away and I don’t care. May 23 will stick in my head for the rest of my life, and I will think about Peanut on that day for the rest of my life. It will always be the birthday that never happened. But for this year, to experience it for the first time, I need to do this.

When I first had my miscarriage, I knew I would have to deal with the immediate triggers – the 12 week and 20 week scans I had already booked in, the check up I had and the date I had planned to tell my Grandmothers about the pregnancy. Those moments have come and gone, and while they were painful, I survived them. This seems different because I’ve always known it was the last trigger I would have to face.

I’m hoping to be pregnant by then and have something positive to focus on, but that won’t take away the pain. It’s not like when I was a kid and my parents just bought me a new puppy after my dog died. Recovering from grief doesn’t work like that. I have no intention of having another baby to replace Peanut – Peanut is irreplaceable.

Come May 23 2013, my dream is to be sitting on a balcony, overlooking the ocean, with a mocktail in a coconut shell. As I move the little umbrella to get to my straw, I’ll take a sip and rub my belly that’s slowly getting bigger with the new life inside it. I’ll raise my glass and ask Peanut to watch over this little bean and make a promise to share all the wonderful things Peanut bought into my life with it. I’ll then wish Peanut a happy “would-have-been birthday” and toast my amazing little angel. Now I just need to figure out who I need to talk to to make this dream come true!  

Image by Victor Habbick

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