Clock watching

Patience has never been my strong suit. I don't know why they say it's a virtue but apparently it is. Alas, it's a virtue I don't possess. I never have. So now, I have no choice but to sit and wait. And frankly, it scares me. 


We've now completed our first shot at creating a baby. I'm pretty sure we got all the timing right. The body has been listened to. Signs have been noted. Dates have been observed. Sex has been had. So now it feels like it's a waiting game. Waiting to see if my period comes. Waiting to see if it works. Waiting for the inevitable disappointment if it doesn't.


I know, expecting success on our first attempt is a futile wish. The odds are so drastically low they're not worth calculating.  Mother Nature is in fact cruel. Why isn't there some way to know straight away if you've hit the jackpot or not?


Now I just feel agitated - like I have no choice but to sit and twiddle my thumbs to see what happens. Being a conscientious person, I've made the decision to live my life like I am pregnant while I'm waiting to find out if I am. I know, it's a high maintenance way to live your life but I'm not prepared to take any risks. So much so I told my husband this morning I would now need my eggs over easy as I can't have runny eggs anymore. As I said, I'm not taking any risks!


Clearly, if I stay on this path I'm going to throw myself into a significant spiral of god knows what. I know and accept it isn't a good head space and it's one I need to shift. It's such early days and god only knows how long this will take so being this anxious about it so soon will not do me any favours. In fact, it's probably more likely to prevent me getting pregnant rather than aiding the process. So I have some work to do!


In all honesty, I think it will be a day by day, week by week and month by month process. I'm hoping I just need to get through my first month of trying and things will settle down. It's so overwhelming to suddenly spend so much time listening to your body, calculating dates, having the energy to do the act and trying to do it in a calm state. I wish I could be more like my husband who says "Hey, at least we'll just have fun trying." I need to take a page out of his book and relax about the whole process. I will endeavour to that. But part of me is suddenly jealous of those women who fall pregnant by accident. On this occasion, ignorance would truly be bliss!