Monday, 30 April 2012

Bootie call

I bought a set of baby booties today. Don’t ask me why. I was pushing my shopping trolley through the supermarket, randomly throwing in the groceries and then I came to the baby aisle. At first I stopped. There was no need to go down there. It’s in the same aisle as the toothpaste and medicine so I didn’t need floss or cough medicine. And yet, for some unknown reason, I ended up walking down there.

I stopped in front of the baby clothes. Tiny little shoes, socks, bibs and singlets. I picked up a set of white knitted booties with little ducks embroidered on the front. The size said 0 to 3 months. I cupped them in my hand and amazed at the fact they would fit such little feet.

I considered buying them. Of course there was no reason to. But I ummed and ahhed between them and some other little velcro sneakers. I figured the booties wouldn’t cost as much so what was the harm.

I must admit that as I stood there, and people walked past me, I thought they must be thinking she has a baby. Or that I was buying a baby present. Seeming as I walked past the baby bottles, dummies and nappies, I’m sure they probably reasoned it was the latter option. Really, they probably walked past without giving me a second thought. But for that moment, I revelled in the fact that someone might think I was parent.

I put the booties through the checkout and placed them at the top of the grocery bag. I figured I better have them ready to show my husband as he might think something was astray if he found them as he unpacked the groceries.

He came into the garage and I immediately pulled them out. “I bought these” I said. He gave me a quizzical look and I quickly added “As a good luck charm,” and smiled at him. “Good luck charm hey,” he said and picked up the bag and took it into the kitchen.

I left him to unpack the groceries so I could cut off the tags and carefully removed any sign of them. Even the plastic ties that held them to the cardboard backing were tiny. I nearly needed tweezers to take them off.

I went into our bedroom and thought about where to put them. I considered my bedside table but I thought I needed somewhere more central. So I grabbed some blu-tak out of my draw and carefully stuck a piece to the back of each bootie. I then gently pressed each one to the back of my wooden bed frame and checked they were stuck in place.

Seems illogical I know, but I’ve accepted the fact that this baby process is going to produce some totally illogical and irrational moments and decisions. In all honesty, I put them there so I can give them a touch, or a rub, before we start the act of making the baby. A bit like rubbing Buddha's belly I guess.

My husband hasn’t noticed it yet so it will be interesting to see what he’s reaction is. I was actually more concerned about the reaction people would have when they saw it. We have friends coming over for lunch next weekend who haven’t been to our new house before so they’ll be expecting the grand tour. What will they think when they walk into the room and notice two little white booties at the end of the bed? Perhaps they’ll be like the people in the supermarket and walk past it without giving it a second thought. We’ll see!

Saturday, 28 April 2012

Operation baby

Today seemed like a good day to start a blog for a variety of reasons: today marks a month since my husband and I got married, 52 days to my 37th birthday and 14 days until I stop the pill in the hope of falling pregnant.

It doesn't seem like that big a deal really, and yet, as it turns out, it's a MASSIVE deal. One of the reasons I decided to write this blog was because I couldn't find any blogs about women taking the baby journey. There was plenty out there about rearing children and those facing fertility problems, but nothing on just starting the journey.

I am one of those women that tv shows like Today Tonight and A Current Affair do reports about. I could easily fit into the group of women who have focused on their career and put off having kids until it's all too late. I HATE those tv reports.

No, I am one of those women who wasn't lucky enough to meet my husband at high school, university, somewhere in my 20s or even in my early 30s for that matter. No, I met my husband at 35 and in the last 12 months we fell in love, got engaged and got married. Warp speed to be sure but funnily enough, I was one of those women who wanted to wait until I found Mr Right, rather than resorting to going to the sperm bank!

My problem is, because of the age I was when I met my husband, I had basically given up on meeting anyone and ever having kids. I had reached the stage where I was totally ok with it and realised my life would still be fantastic without those things. So to suddenly have the opportunity creates immense fear.

I was so happy in accepting it would never happen that now I have to accept that I really want it and it might not happen. There's no sane reason why it wouldn't happen. I had some fertility tests a few years ago and they all came back clear. But given my age, I figure preparation is the best line of defence so I'm sending my husband off to have his sperm tested - better to know what we're facing now before we really start. I'm hoping we've got world champion freestylers and not wayward backstrokers!

Overkill perhaps, but given our window is so small, there isn't any time to waste. Knowing what we're facing before we start means we don't waste time on things that aren't likely to happen. In saying that, there's plenty of people who would just say well bugger it, given my age, I'll skip trying and go straight to IVF. Seems normal to me but I don't think the doctor would support it without at least giving things a crack.

That brings me to the reason for the blog - other than not being able to find one. So in fact I guess there's two reasons - to help other women in my situation and to provide an outlet for the anxiety I feel as I start this journey. I've decided I don't really want to talk to people about trying as it puts too much pressure on things when everyone says how is it going? Are you pregnant yet? We got enough of that at the wedding! And there's nothing worse than being asked that question if nothing is happening. I also got enough of that when being single for so long -  everyone kept asking how my love life was going!

It would be nice to have people to talk to. But I'm in that rare stage of life where my friends are either single or married, but having to put off babies due to job changes or they're just not interested in having children. It doesn't feel like any of them are in a place where they want to hear me talk about it. 

So all in all, I don't really feel like I have a strong support network out there. And that's sad as I'm juggling so many balls of emotions it's a struggle to keep them all in the air. My balls are:
  • fear of the changes to our life if we have a baby
  • fear of what kind of parents we'll be
  • questioning my ability to bounce back if it turns out we can't have kids
  • the anxiety of actually trying and waiting on the outcome
  • being able to juggle this on top of everything else that's happening in life. 
And people say stress is one of the reasons women don't fall pregnant! Ha, just a little bit of stress going on here! 

So now we start the journey and I have the next 14 days to get my head around the fact I won't be on the pill anymore and then things start to get serious. But I remain a Hopeful Mumma and put my trust in the fact that time and time again, the universe puts me in the situations I'm meant to be in and brings me the things I'm meant to have. Here's hoping a visit from the stork is one of them!


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